Here we are at last. Despite the strike, the last-minute scramble for plane tickets, designer duds, and the whitest, most depressing slate of movies in a long time, the Oscars are really here.
I’m taking a cue from the big guys and liveblogging the Oscars (mostly to see if I can do it but also to prevent myself from dying of boredom during the Enchanted musical numbers). So follow the jump and hit refresh often as we tally the Bush references, the Ledger tributes, the tastefully boring dresses and the new catchphrase sweeping America — “I drink your milkshake. I drink it up!”
8:05: and we’re off but not with the real stuff … George looks good; his date looks young
8:06: Tasteful dress #1 on Laura Linney… I know who Miley Cyrus is but I just can’t seem to care.
8:13: I see the theme of this year’s Oscar style will be breasts
8:14: Tasteful dress #2 on Helen Mirren. I love her; she’ll always be Jane Tennison to me.
See, I just can’t care about this stuff. If they actually showed more of the red carpet or interesting people or something other than Regis interviewing Bavarians backstage, I could be into this.
8:31: that CGI opening looks like they only had 14 days to do it; some intern somewhere was told to throw something together and by gum, they did the job.
8:33: make-up sex .. he, he … funny. Writer’s strike joke#1 and #2.
8:36: funny with the Jewish jokes, Jon Stewart.
8:39: Now Tommy Lee Jones starts reacting. Where was he during the Bardem interaction?
8:40: Bush reference #1
8:41: funny with the black president joke Jon Stewart. Even the 3 African-Americans in the audience are laughing
8:41: Costume Design: Elizabeth II — shouldn’t the winner of the Oscar in this category have a better dress.
I sense we are going to be seeing a lot of these clips from previous Oscar ceremonies. I guess when you only have 14 days to prepare, you go back to the archives.
8:47: Man, George Clooney looks good …. and already we’re into the next clip job. Fine with the clips but what’s with the still shots. And oh god, do not bring back any memories of Rob Lowe and Snow White. Is that Celine Dion in the background? Please someone, end this now.
8:53: Best animated feature: Ratatouille. No surprise there. But totes deserved.
8:56: Red is apparently the colour this year. And why is Katharine Heigl nervous? Doesn’t she do this for a living? Best Makeup: La Vie en Rose/ If only because the Academy members couldn’t handle Norbit winning.
9:02: Archive clip #3. Very funny comment from Catherine Zeta-Jones about not being around when Michael Douglas won his Oscar… but he interjects that she had been born by then. Right Michael. Whatever you need to say to let yourself not feel so old.
9:07: Special effects: Golden Compass. Again, did anyone see this movie?
9: 10: Callista Flockhart just mentioed to Harrison Ford that she could fit into Cate Blanchett’s stomach. The woman is bigger than Zeta-Jones was… wow, I hope there’s an ob-gyn on call. Sweeney Todd: Best Art Direction. Does this not bode well for There Will Be Blood?
9:14: Archive clip #4.
9:16: I have to say it .. that dress is not Jennifer Hudson’s friend. This was such a strong category this year but it’s all Javier’s. Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men
9:23: Writer’s strike joke #2 and archive clip #5. Sadly I think Stewart wasn’t joking about them having this clip job ready to go … and clip job #6.
9:23: Nothing makes the Oscars look more white than these kids singing their hearts out.
9: 28: Owen Wilson, folks. He looks good but it would have been nice if he had opened with a joke, but oh well. Here was a category I actually saw everything in and I have to tell you, that Danish cancer film made me want to slit my wrists. Best Short Feature: The Mozart of Pickpockets. Which I actually really liked.
9: 31: Archive Clip #7. And Animated Short Film Oscar: Peter & The Wolf
9: 34: Archive Clip #8: Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton. I call this an upset people. I was sure that Cate would win. Boy, Tilda is tall. And a little freaky-looking … in a weird, other-world way.
9: 40: Archive Clip #9: But Sidney Poiter has class.
Man, Jessica Alba is pretty big too … and her breasts are pretty large too. Almost shelf-like. But maybe the feather she has draped around them just makes them look bigger.
9:47: Archive Clip #9.5: Best Adapted ScreenPlay: No Country For Old Men. I think this is probably a pretty good sign of who is going to win Best Picture.
9:51: Non-archive clip job. So I’m not going to count it. It was funny though.
9:53: Miley Cyrus. Did they really bring her out just to introduce a song? Was this an attempt to bring down the viewing age?
10:03: Best Sound Editing:Bourne Ultimatium. This is a surprise. I really thought No Country would win this one. But I really like Bourne and the chase and fight scenes so it’s all good. And again Best Sound Mixing for Bourne.
10:08: Archive Clip #10.
10:10: Best Actress: Marillion41 …. can’t spell her name. This is a huge upset. Huge. Lots of people were going for Julie Christie (41 years since her last Oscar).
10:19: God, I love this song. I loved this movie. I’m going to go to Amazon and buy the album right now.
10:23: Archive Clip #11 … I didn’t actually believe that they would show every single FREAKING Oscar best picture winner. iw as wrong.
10: 28: Best Editing: Bourne Ultimatium. This is a big deal too … right now, Bourne has more Oscars than There Will Be Blood and No Country for Old Men.
10:31: Nicole Kidman looks really good. That is a killer-ass necklace. And I’m going to count this as an archive clip even though they aren’t identifying the movies as they show them. OK. Finally now they are giving us some titles. But are they really going to roll a 98-year-old man out to talk? And the answer is yes! And I’m going to take a short break here because I sense this is going to go on for a long, long time.
10:43: Foreign films. Bet it goes to the WWII film. Yep. I believe I’m correct.
10:49: This is the only category I care about this year. Best Song: Falling Slowly. Oh my god … yea! this is great! But how rude that they cut her off. I mean jesus, they only gave them like 30 seconds but were able to take time to do some stupid jibber-jabber between Stewart and John Travolta.
10:53: Archive clip #12. So Steven Spielberg .. that’s good. And again, why Zet-Jones?
10:57: Jon Stewart is my hero. Way to bring her back. And what a nice speech. I think I’m getting teary-eyed. Probably the best speech of the night. And then a funny for the gays. Jon Stewart so rocks.
10:59: Cinemotography: There Wil Be Blood. It was a beautiful film. That great scene where the oil flame shoots up the derrick and then the glow lights up Day-Lewis’ face like the devil.
11:01 (3 hours into it folks) and get ready for the crying because here’s the memorial. and I’m counting this as Archive clip #13. And they didn’t include Brad Renfro. What was up with that? But I like that they didn’t draw out the Ledger thing. But was it me or did the applause seem really subdued.
11:08: Best Score: Atonement. Oscar loves them some sweeping, epic scores.
11:12: Wow, is this the first Iraq War reference. This is kind of weird. Iraq looks so pretty; I don’t know what those nasty liberals are talking about with their doom and gloom. Freeheld wins short documentary feature. I hear this movie is really good. So on the Netflix queue it goes. And so the soldiers are going to also announce the nominees for long-form documentary? And no .. because that would make sense (because these are mostly films about Iraq … but I guess that would be too political). Best Documentary: Taxi to the Dark Side. A little upset… since No End in Sight got such press. But apparently this was a little political; some doc filmmakers were upset that Charlie Ferguson got so much access — basically by throwing money at the issue.
11:19: Archive clip #14. Elton John … ah, he didn’t even get to kiss his boyfriend.
11:23: Original ScreenPlay: Juno. And check out Diablo Cody’s dress. That is great. A shout-out to the writers. God, she’s like 30 — what have I accomplished with my life. Mabye I need to get a kick-ass tatoo on my arm to help me kick it up a notch. And how sweet that she started to cry … my hardened heart warmed a little.
11:29: Archive clip #15
11:31: Ooh … talk to me Helen Mirren. I bet that woman gives good dirty talk. Best Actor: Daniel-Day Lewis. That’s not really a surprise. But I’m disappointed that they didn’t play the milkshake clip. DDL is always good at giving other people props … so nice of him to give PT Anderson a shout-out.
11:40: Archive clip #16: Best Director: Coen brothers for No Country For Old Men.
We’re going to wrap it up in less than 4 hours people!
11:45: Man, Denzel Washington looks good … how does he always look so good. Best Picture: No Country for Old Men. Not a huge surprise (despite what producer Scott Rudin says). A nice shoutout to the partner.
That’s it folks. Thanks for checking in (all 3 of you). We’ll maybe do this again next year.
Related posts:
No Comments so far ↓
There are no comments yet...Kick things off by filling out the form below.