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The state of our union is worried. My internal monologue while watching the blessed last State of the Union Address by this president.

• Our economy is undergoing a period of uncertainty: that’s an interesting choice of words. Did he see the 2007 new homes numbers?
• At kitchen tables across our country: does anyone have kitchen tables anymore? Isn’t it all islands and peninsulas?
• We have other work to do on taxes: Why does he smirk when he talks about tax cuts?
• Others have said they would personally be happy to pay higher taxes. I welcome their enthusiasm. I am pleased to report that the IRS accepts both checks and money orders: He made a funny … He’s rich and Dick Cheney is rich so it’s OK that they are laughing because yes, they are laughing at you.
• American families have to balance their budgets; so should their government: easy for him to ask for a balanced budget in 2012 (4 years after he leaves the White House). It’s a deathbed conversion.
• I’ll send it back to you with my veto: I have no power left except my veto. You can’t hurt me so hah!
• Why does he keep smirking?
• Irony alert: making health care more affordable and accessible for all Americans: Except children
• Oooh … Obama and Ted Kennedy are sitting next to each other. It’s like the cool kids table in junior high and Hillary is off by herself under a tree somewhere (oh wait, is that Joe Biden next to her? Doesn’t matter because it doesn’t help.)
• They will give us better access to nearly 100 million customers: since we’re in a recession and can’t afford shiny new toys, we’re going to outsource our shopping.
• We will embolden the purveyors of false populism: False populism is the new “weapons of mass destruction”
• Democracy leads to a better life: wonder what Iraq’s opinion on that is?
• Let us fund new technologies that can generate coal power while capturing carbon emissions: carbon emissions, greenhouse gases, blah, blah, blah … maybe now they’ll give me a Nobel prize too.
• And let us complete an international agreement: I don’t know nothing about no Kyoto Agreement
• What elephant in the room? I don’t see an elephant.
• I’ve submitted judicial nominees: I’m so powerless I can’t even get my judicial nominees through Senate approval after something like 3 freaking years.
• Tonight, the armies of compassion continue the march: is that an elephant …. oh wait, he’s talking New Orleans, not Iraq. Elephant still wandering around looking for a place to sit.
• We will never fully secure our border until we create a lawful way for foreign workers to come here and support our economy… We must also find a sensible and humane way to deal with people here illegally: it’s the only thing I even kinda, sorta agree with him on (see, I can be bipartisan). Well, except for the fence…. or the catch and release …. or …
• We have witnessed stirring moments in the history of liberty: Georgia and Ukraine, Lebanon, ink-stained Iraqi fingers. The elephant wonders who it needs to sit on to get noticed.
• We will keep up the pressure, and we will deliver justice to our enemies: even though our enemy is wandering around the Pakistani hills right now, I’m sure he’s feeling a little stressed about it.
• Terrorists … terrorists … terrorists: such a nicely vague word, never defined
• And that is why, for the security of America and the peace of the world, we are spreading the hope of freedom: One bomb at a time.
• Defeating the Taliban and al Qaeda is critical to our security: 6 years, 6 years! and we haven’t “defeated” them … geez.
• a heckler?!
• We make you a solemn pledge: In the fight ahead, you will have all you need to protect our nation: Because you are never leaving this desert.
• A free Iraq will be a friend of America: Sounds like someone is getting the short end of the stick.
• America will do and I will do everything we can: I can say anything I want about Israel and Palestine and I’ll look good … because most of Palestine is now in Egypt
• Iran: It’s the Iraq of 2008. Funding terrorists: check. Threatening Israel: check. Developing weapons of mass destruction: check.
• Our message to the people of Iran is clear. We have no quarrel with you: But we are going to go ahead and let your museums be looted, destroy your infrastructure and then generally bomb the shit out of you.
• Non sequitur alert: America opposes genocide in Sudan: way to put yourself out there since you have no desire to back it up with any political initiatives.
• OK, now he’s just throwing all sorts of shit out there and hoping something sticks: farmers, global hunger, HIV/AIDS prevention, veteran funding, military spouse benefits
• Irony alert: And so long as we continue to trust the people: He trust us so much he needs to wiretap everyone

The end. Our long national nightmare is coming to an end. It’s about to be a new morning in America.

Postscript: I think Barney Frank just made some comment about his boyfriend to Bush

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